My IEP journey started with my own child. I can remember asking for an IEP as we were going into kindergarten and being denied. I was told that the school had to experience at least 2 years of impaired cognition or behaviors in order for my son to qualify for an IEP. I remember being frustrated, shamed, and somewhat astounded. I guess 5 years of my own experience as a parent and a Ph.D. in Psychology did not qualify me to make that determination. They must have thought my child fell out of a closet with lunchbox in hand and backpack on at 5 with no history or past experiences. I remember the minimizing statements, “Every parent worries about their first child.”, “Most children do so much better than parents expect.”, and “Kindergarten is designed to be a stepping stone into elementary school.”.
Here is what you need to know about IEP’s.
Schools have a limited number of resources and manpower.
There is always someone at the IEP, typically a principal or vice principal, who will protect the school’s resources with all of his/her authority. As much as you love the school your child attends, and as much as you love his/her teacher, you need to understand this dynamic. Their goal is to use the least amount of resources and offer the least amount of accommodations as possible. This is not because they don’t care about your child. In fact, many IEP meetings are full of professionals that do care about your child, but your child is not their first priority.
Your first priority is to advocate for your child.
No one cares about your child more than you do. In fact, if your child had a line of fans, you would be at the front of the line. Some of those fan lines start and end with the parents, especially for the most difficult kids I work with. I believe shame is one reason that parents have a hard time advocating for their children. They experience shame that their child is misbehaving and needs so much of the teacher. They experience shame every day as they open their daily report folder and see all the misbehavior for the day. Do not let shame immobilize you. Advocate anyway. With the right support, a child will not have as much misbehavior. In fact, your child’s misbehavior indicates that the school environment is outside of his/her window of tolerance.
Encourage your child’s teacher.
The teachers do not have any authority over what goes into the IEP, and some schools don’t even give the teachers a voice (even though they are always present). Most teachers that I have worked with really care about your child and agonize over their learning and behavior. They stretch their own resources to meet your child’s needs and often will accommodate without an IEP mandate. If your child has a really tough day at school, encourage the teacher. Sometimes a quick email saying, “I am so sorry. I know how hard he/she can be alone. I can’t imagine meeting the needs of a whole classroom.”
I had one teacher call me to apologize for being short with my child. The teacher was in the wrong and yelled at him for a very small infraction. My son cried. The teacher called and said, “I am so sorry I did that.” My response was, “Everyone gets to have a bad day. Thank you for loving on my kids every day.” Give the grace you want others to give you.
Don’t ever attend an IEP meeting alone.
My mom is a retired teacher and a huge advocate for my child. She has attended all but one IEP meeting with me. I will never forget that meeting. Her presence at such a vulnerable event makes me bold, articulate, and thick-skinned. Her absence stripped me of armor and left me feeling very vulnerable. I remember someone at the IEP saying to me, “The problem with you is your low expectations of him; if you expected more of him, he would do better.” I was speechless, and then I just cried. I responded in a fumbling way that was not bold or articulate. I cried most of that meeting, and the ironic thing was that things were actually going really well at school.
Hire an IEP advocate.
No matter how many IEP meetings I have attended for my own child or the children I work with, I am not an expert on IEP laws. Many parents have confidence in their own knowledge of the law and their rights, and they don’t feel the need to hire an advocate. However, if you have attended as many IEPs as I have with and without advocates, you would know how differently meetings go when there is an advocate there. All of a sudden, the fan line for your child grows by one, and this one person knows exactly what rights your child has and is determined to get those for your child. This person has not experienced any immobilizing shame.
I have had parents refuse to use even free advocates, afraid that they will make the school angry. When you have an advocate, all of a sudden the school no longer gets to guard its resources. It must figure out how to meet your child’s needs. And, yes, this might make the school very uncomfortable because its first goal of guarding its resources has now become non-primary. These meetings look and feel very differently. All of a sudden, the accommodations that the school said were impossible get added to the IEP
Some examples of these are the following:
- This child will never miss recess; instead, she will have a quiet lunch in the library.
- This child will not be suspended for behaviors that are non-aggressive and related to her condition such as forgetting to turn in assignments, speaking out of turn, not sitting still, etc.
- Daily notes will be sent home to parents about all homework assignments.
- Educational assistants will help the child organize her back pack daily.
- The child is allowed to have snacks with her all the time.
- The child gets to participate during her own recess block and another class’s recess block to meet her movement needs.
- The child will have no homework sent home.
If your child is being punished for behaviors that are beyond her control or is being held to the same standards as other children without IEPs, you need an advocate.
Wouldn’t it be easier to just put my child in private school?
While there are certainly some private schools that were established specifically with at risk children in mind, most were not. The effective schools that are for kids with learning differences and behavioral issues are very expensive. If you have the money for one of those schools, then your child may receive better support. However, most families cannot afford this type of education which often compares to college tuition in cost.
Most private schools are smaller schools with fewer resources than public schools. Often the teachers in private schools are not licensed teachers. Most private schools don’t have occupational therapists, physical therapists, speech therapists, behavioral psychologists, or even school counselors. Private schools are not obligated by law to accommodate for your child. If your child is in a private school, there is almost no chance that your child will get an aid unless you hire one.
I have many times recommended that the kids I work with go to specific private schools that I believe can meet their needs. However, I don’t believe that a private education is always a better education.
My child is smart. He doesn’t need an IEP.
Learning Disability or Difference – any of various conditions that interfere with an individual’s ability to learn and so result in impaired functioning in language, reasoning, or academic skills and that are thought to be caused by difficulties in processing and integrating information. (Miriam Webster)
I have often encouraged clients to pursue IEP’s for their children and hear the above statement frequently. IEP’s can even be designed for gifted children who need support with organization, socialization, etc. My son is very, very intelligent. I believe that he will be a successful adult with a successful career. In fact, he is a bold entrepreneur. He made more money performing a 90-minute, street-side magic show at 10 years of age than I would have made babysitting an 8 hour day at 17 years of age. Being bold, talkative, loud, and engaging sure come in handy when you are doing a magic show and do not come in handy during reading, writing and arithmetic. Having an IEP does not mean that your child is not intelligent, but it does mean that he/she needs support in a traditional learning environment.
