Peace over Connection
Last night we went to our favorite Thai restaurant. At the table next to us, there was a large family eating out. It consisted of a set of grandparents, parents, and one sullen teenage boy. We were there a full two hours, and so were they. This place has amazing food and is often understaffed. In those two hours, my kids argued with each other three different times, threw pieces of napkins at each other, and one child accused the other of spitting on them. Maybe it will surprise you to hear that my kids are not toddlers, but teens. Maybe that won’t surprise you at all. I find that toddlers and teens have a great deal in common.
Despite our loud, somewhat disruptive, and increasingly active table, we also discussed politics, consenting relationships, and plans for the holidays. In one two-hour time slot, we experienced frustration, joy, hunger, laughter, Impatience, and compelling conversations. This required a high level of engagement from all of us. Engagement is exhausting. It is easier to plop a child in front of a screen or allow teenagers to disappear into the hollows of their bedrooms with their phones, only to emerge hours later for a restroom break. It is a million times easier to have a conversation with your spouse if your children are occupied with video games. It is easier only in the short run. Like anything else, payment will come due, and then you will realize all the time you missed, all the skills they never practiced, all the hobbies they never explored, and all the friends with skin they never had. Sure, they are kindred spirits with Sasha in Russia who they play Fortnite with hours a day, but they have never been invited to Sasha’s house and will never experience Sasha’s mom cooking them piles of blini with huge dollops of compote and sour cream served on top.
The teenager at the other table spent the entire time, eyes glazed over, staring at the screen on his phone. The adults in his family were all talking around him, and he never once popped his head up to chime into their conversation. It was such a peaceful family outing with such a disconnected teen.
Can Kids Today Survive Without a Phone?
One study found that just five days of no screen time improved kids’ abilities to read the emotions of other people. Another study found that the more time spent on screens, the less happy teens were. I know what you are thinking. You are picturing how miserable your teen is when he/she loses screen time – the incessant whining, nagging, and misery. This, folks, is withdrawal from something that gives such quick gratification that initially it seems impossible to live without it.
I have at times required that a family reduce or eliminate screen time if I am going to work with them. What surprises me is the resistance of parents to do this. They know that when they take away screen time, their kids experience mood swings, anxiety, frustration, irritability, loneliness, etc. Basically these kids experience all of the emotional withdrawal symptoms that an addict experiences. I have worked before with teens without a history of aggression who shove their mom when she tries to take the cell phone away and then rage for hours.
Some teens can handle cell phones and the restrictions that should come with them if being supervised appropriately. Some teens truly cannot. If your child screams at you or throws something across the room every time you set a cell phone limit, then she/he can’t handle the stress of having a phone. It is a kindness to remove that stressor as a parent. If you don’t believe that, then you are probably buying into these cell phone myths.
Myths About Cell Phones
- Your Teen Can’t Have a Social Life Without One
I am amazed at how many parents buy into this one. Not only do they agree to buy their children phones, but they often get them a newer model because everyone knows that a 13 year old without an iPhone 7 would be a complete social outcast, right? No, but parents believe this. They truly feel like they are depriving their children of a social life if they don’t have a cell phone. Very little meaningful interaction happens over text (which is mostly what kids do today).
2. Cell Phones Increase Safety
Your child is many times more likely to be bullied or preyed on via a cell phone than she/he ever is in person. It is safer to let your children walk home alone from school than it is to allow them to go in their rooms, close their doors, and have access to their cell phones. Also, you might be a tech guru, but kids know exactly how to get around the safeguards you put in place to supervise their cell phone use; if they don’t, Joey on the school bus does, so that phone is not as locked down as you think it is.
3. Cell Phones Increase My Availability To My Child
One set of researchers found that the more frequent the calls from parents to a child’s cell phone, the less knowledge parents had about their child and the more family disharmony they reported. Cellphones do NOT replace face-to-face interactions and cannot begin to touch the nuances of intuition when you are spending time with your child. The truth is your child having a cell phone is going to decrease the amount of time you spend with him/her.
4. Cell Phones Are Great Motivators
Many parents think that their children’s greatest currency is losing or earning back their cell phones. But the truth is that having a cell phone decreases motivation in almost every other way. Your teens owning cell phones decreases the chances that they will want to engage with the family. It decreases the chances that they will feel motivated to start their own business. It decreases the chances that they will teach themselves how to play an instrument. It basically eliminates all boredom from their lives, and with that takes away the motivation to seek out relationships, learn new skills, and pursue creativity.
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